This article is written in English for international readers.
There is a gap between the world as it is and the world as I believe it should be.
Inside me, there is a clear sense of justice—rules that feel obvious, fair, and necessary.
Outside me, there are workplaces, institutions, customs, and hierarchies that often do not follow those rules.
Living with a neurodivergent mind, this gap is not abstract.
It is something I feel daily, physically and emotionally.
And over time, that gap becomes what many people call “living difficulty.”
This article is not about fixing society.
It is about a tool that might help bridge that gap—assertiveness.
Not a miracle solution.
Not a guarantee.
Just a possible bridge.
What Is Assertiveness?
Assertiveness (or assertive communication) is the practice of expressing one’s thoughts, feelings, and needs honestly and directly while respecting both oneself and others.
It emerged from post–World War II American psychology, initially pioneered by Andrew Salter in the 1940s and later refined by researchers such as Albert Ellis and Manuel J. Smith. Smith’s 1975 book When I Say No, I Feel Guilty popularized practical assertive techniques worldwide. In Japan, clinical psychologist Noriko Hiraki introduced assertiveness training in the 1980s, framing it as “mutual respect communication” that aligns with cultural values of harmony.
For many neurodivergent individuals—particularly those with autism, ADHD, or heightened justice sensitivity—assertiveness can be especially valuable yet challenging. Strong internal convictions often clash with social norms, making balanced self-expression a critical skill for reducing internal pressure and misunderstanding.
For me, assertiveness is not an abstract skill.
It is a survival experiment.
Core Concepts of Assertive Communication
To understand assertiveness, it helps to contrast it with the three classic communication styles:
- Aggressive: Prioritizing one’s own needs at the expense of others (“I win, you lose”).
- Passive (or non-assertive): Suppressing one’s own needs to avoid conflict (“I lose, you win”).
- Assertive: Honoring both one’s own and others’ needs (“Win-win where possible”).
A key technique in assertive communication is the use of I-messages: framing statements from one’s own perspective (“I feel…” or “I need…”) rather than blaming or accusing (“You always…” or “You make me…”). This reduces defensiveness and opens space for dialogue—particularly helpful when neurodivergent processing styles lead to rapid buildup of frustration or anxiety.
Why I Needed Assertiveness in the First Place
My difficulty is not that I lack opinions.
It is that my opinions often collide with reality.
When I sense unfairness, inefficiency, or ambiguity, my thoughts multiply rapidly.
What others process slowly, I process all at once.
If I say nothing, pressure builds.
If I speak abruptly, it comes out as anger.
Assertiveness entered my life as a possible third option.
Episode 1: The Hospital Waiting Area
At a hospital reception desk, I was told, “Please wait a moment.”
There were no chairs nearby.
Three minutes passed. Then more.
My thoughts began to spiral.
“How long is a moment?”
“If the wait is long, shouldn’t they guide me to seating?”
“Why isn’t the waiting time explained?”
None of these thoughts were unreasonable. But they accumulated faster than I could organize them.
Eventually, I snapped and spoke angrily.
What I expressed was not wrong. How I expressed it was.
Looking back, an assertive approach might have changed the outcome:
“I feel uncomfortable standing without knowing how long this will take. Could you tell me the approximate waiting time, or where I can sit?”
Same content. Different bridge.
Episode 2: The Workplace
This one is heavier.
I am highly anxious about time limits and uncertainty.
To cope, I arrive at work 30 minutes early.
That time is not productivity. It is preparation. It is how I stabilize myself enough to function.
But my supervisor saw it differently.
Because of workplace custom, I was told to start cleaning during that time. Unpaid. Unchosen.
To others, this may seem trivial. To me, it removed the margin that kept me mentally safe.
I complied out of fear—fear of conflict, fear of dismissal.
My stress accumulated silently, like pressure in a sealed container.
Eventually, it contributed to my medical leave.
Here is the important truth: Assertiveness alone could not fix this situation.
Structures, power dynamics, and cultural norms matter. Sometimes, the other side is not prepared—or willing—to respect your boundaries.
Assertiveness is not omnipotent. But even here, it had value. It gave language to what was happening, instead of leaving it as undefined pain.
The Limits of Assertiveness
Not everyone operates on mutual respect.
Some people interpret calm self-expression as defiance.
Some environments punish honesty.
In such cases, silence can be self-protection.
Leaving can be self-preservation.
Choosing not to assert is also a right.
Understanding this limit is part of using assertiveness responsibly.
Assertiveness as a “Maybe” Bridge
For me, assertiveness is not a solution that fixes the world.
It is a tool that sometimes reduces damage.
It may prevent anger from exploding.
It may prevent silence from crushing the self.
It does not erase the gap between my inner justice and society.
But occasionally, it allows me to cross it—carefully.
Closing Thoughts
Living with a strong internal sense of “how things should be” is not inherently a flaw.
But without tools, it can become unbearable.
Assertiveness is one such tool.
Not perfect. Not universal.
Just a possible bridge between myself and the world.
And for now, that possibility is enough to keep walking.
Thank you for reading this article.
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